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I did a drawing today.
Ying Min, our admin manager, described my latest drawings as 'alternative' and 'depressing'. 'Looking at too much of these can be depressing,' she said. For some reason, the movie 'Big Fish' came to her mind when she saw my drawings. (I know nothing about the movie.)
After half the day had gone by, I looked at the drawing and was not satisfied with it, so I worked and struggled with it. The end result is still not very good, but at least I tried...
Had dinner with the teachers...we had buffet-style dinner with some games. I was made to do a tongue twister...
I'm happy with a lot of things actually, but I still feel like my drawing ---
an inverted dried up rose, in darkness.
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The woes of not having a digital camera:
1) I cannot take pictures of the wonderful artworks by students. Today, Mrs Song told me she was quite impressed with the works in 1E3 classroom. Miss Heng also said she loved the banner 1E3 did for Teachers' Day. I had a hand in both these projects, so naturally I feel proud and happy. It's a pity no one has yet commented on the efforts by the 1N1 students. They are actually very nice people, but to say that their discipline is terrible -- well, that would be the understatement of the year. Ms Woo commented that 1N1 'is a zoo'. Well, unfortunately, looking at the behaviour of some of the students, I can't agree more.
2) I cannot take pictures of my own drawings. It is so important to be able to take pictures of my drawings, so that I can use them for lessons, as well as update my friends on my latest drawings.
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1N1 organised a party for the teachers today. The response was lukewarm, though I'm glad most of their teachers went. After the whole event, I wish I could tell them that they are actually very lovely people, but they are just very misguided in life... coming from very problematic backgrounds. They are like lost sheep...and unfortunately we teachers are all too human. We are too bogged up by projects and marking and meetings and lesson plans. We lose our patience when they run around and misbehave like unruly animals. I'm not the Messiah. How many can I 'save'? I feel a deep sense of compassion towards them, but I do not know what I can do. They have their own dreams, pride, and dignity. I just feel very useless...
When I first went for their party, no teacher was in sight. Of course, most were having meetings and stuff, but there were teachers who did not turn up too....teachers who probably had enough of their nonsense and poor discipline during daily classes. Much as I had hell from them during my lessons too, I turned up because I felt their sincerity and effort in throwing the party. They actually bothered to make an invitation card for each of their teachers, and they gave each teacher a red pen (never mind it costs less than 50 cents - they are not from rich families).
I felt really consoled when I saw other teachers coming later on. I do not know why, but I just felt happy for them. A lot of the kids also told me to eat more, though I know from the previous lesson that the organisers had problems collecting $2 class fund from everyone. I am glad there was enough food for everyone.
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The kingdom of heaven is within you. I'm not rich, but I'm glad with what I have.
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Two more days to the end of the month. It's official: I haven't heard from NAC, so I guess my works have not been shortlisted. Nevertheless, I shall continue to draw.
Showed 1E4 'Grave of the Fireflies' part 2 today. I can't believe only one girl cried! (And of all people it's my 'champion' Meiling ... a girl who's totally out of touch with the real world.) Anyway, I guess the show is too mature for them. They are unable to read into the layers of meaning in the subtler bits of the show; either that or they are simply not paying attention or are distracted.
... ...
On life, well, I'm where I am. I've reached here, but so what? The journey has barely started.
At the canteen today, Kaile (an NPCC boy whom I'm not teaching) told me he wants to become an artist. On instances like this I always feel like sharing everything I know about art with him. I'm still recalling the Powerpoint presentations I did for 1E3, and wondered if they learnt anything from them at all...
Since June, I've only done about, say, five drawings? And most of these are done rather hastily.
On life yet again...
The previous weeks, my CD player is playing the haunting songs of Chihiro Onitsuka...currently, it's Natsukawa Rimi...tracks 2 and 5, and track 3...
I want to draw flowers. I want to draw a lot of flowers...I do not know why...I want to express a lot of beauty, solitude, loneliness, and pain...
I'm happy that...
...I managed to show the first part of 'Grave of the Fireflies' to my beloved 1E4. Unfortunately, they don't seem to be moved at all...
Nevertheless, I still love my five harmless 1E4 girls.
Lessons...
Yesterday, I did abstract drawings with some students from 1E3. The materials were crayons, Chinese ink, markers, pencils, erasers, etc. The students were told to try a few things; these include drawing with their non-masterhand, drawing with eyes closed, imaginging the things they see as upside down, and responding to random topics I threw them (e.g. of topics include atomic explosion, drawing fish bone, nature etc.) They also drew with unorthodox materials like newspapers and tissue paper. The students produced some drawings that I was quite pleased with, and I told the students to put the drawings up on the classroom wall. I do not know about the students, but I felt proud of the drawings. I thought if more students had taken part in the activity, the walls would have been covered now.
Today, I did something quite adventurous with 1N1. I gave them a sheet of paper each, with a topic or question behind and they are to express the topic with the materials I provided. On top of that, they will switch their papers and and work on their classmates' drawings. At first, the students were quite reluctant to use the paints I provided. Then they started to make quite a bit of a mess. At the end of the lesson, they actually completed some twenty-over drawings that I put up on their classroom wall as well.
Of course the management part of the lessons was quite tough, but at the end of it I was quite happy and pleased with the results.
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English lessons with 3E7 *seem* to be getting better, but I'm not sure.
Lately...
...life grows old, life grows cold, but one moves on. Seeing young teenagers sometimes does indeed help brighten life up a lot.
Days begin to wear one down, with ceaseless assignments to mark, miscelleneous duties, papers to set etc. There is very little time to interact with students, especially those whom you really want to teach and help. In fact, one does not even have enough time to cover basic duties.
For now, let me dream of quiet time, to draw, to daydream, to idle, to read, to drink coffee, to hum or sing, to ponder on things passed...
Timeless lines
To see a world in a Grain of Sand,
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.
(William Blake)
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I've officially submitted in my file for the Singapore Art Show. I do hope to get shortlisted and have a chance to display my works (and hopefully, see them in print in a catalogue). My concern is if I do indeed get shortlisted, the framing would cost a bomb ($250 would be a humble estimate). From a teacher's point of view, it is important to let students know that their art teacher IS passionate about art, IS involved in the Singapore art scene, and IS working hard for art. It is important to share these experiences with students. I had some students asking me what a CV (curriculum vitae) is, while of course there are some who think we are too old for competitions. I also tried to convince them that writing for art is important, that language for expression is important.
As a teacher, I was lamenting to my colleague Bryan about my failures and shortcomings in teaching. Currently my best class is 1E4, because they are the only ones who listen when I talk. I guess part of the reason is I'm their co-form teacher. I have failed with most of the other classes/lessons. I have also not been discharging my CCA duties and form teacher duties very well, but I guess having room for improvement is not necessarily a bad thing.
It is very important for me to continue to believe in myself as a teacher.
More importantly, I must continue to draw.
I'm broke after shopping...
Okay...apparently this month I had been overspending. Nevertheless, life is too short, so let us enjoy while we can.
After indulging myself in three art books and Emily Dickinson's poetry collection, I went on to acquire the following:
1) Emi Fujita Live at Esplanade CD (*screeeeeaaaams!!!!!!!!!!**) She's absolutely fantabulous, the only problem being she sounds exactly like her recorded CDs.
2) Chinese art book on the Chinese painter Lin Fengmian
Lin Fengmian was also Li Keran's teacher like Qi Baishi and Huang Binhong, but his art takes on a different flavour altogether. His is more of a combination of East and West.
3) Poems of Solitude by Emily Bronte
Indulging in solitude.
4) The Inner Life by Thomas Kempis
A handy book to carry around for spiritual living.
5) Coloured pencils from Muji
It's too bad I gave away my Berol Eagle coloured pencils to Andrea, who hasn't started drawing anything yet I suppose. I would have gotten myself a set of Berel Eagle if I can find it and if I can still afford it. Chihiro Onitsuka has a set of Berol Eagle coloured pencils that was like...at least 86 or 144 colours????
Okay...surely that was too much indulgence. I'd better not be too distracted. I need to get my lesson plans and marking done soon.
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I managed one abstract drawing today. Not terrific, but okay.
I'm currently reading Emily Dickinson's poems and the Dhammapada.
Ramblings
I spent today doing effectively nothing.
I feel like getting an art book on Japanese prints tomorrow. Actually, the two books on my wishlist are 'Hardboiled and Hard Luck' by Banana Yoshimoto (which costs a staggering $29) and an art book on modern drawings (which costs about $71) Good books on drawings are hard to come by, especially those on abstract drawings. The books on Franz Kline and Cy Twombly are good too, but I don't suppose I'd get either of them. Their works are good, but there's little point in imitating their style.
I'm currently close to the end of volume 2 of Soseki's 'I am A Cat'. I may continue with Japanese writers.
I simply have no time to think about art and do good art. Since June I've only completed two abstract drawings, both A4 or smaller.
I surfed net for half the day...and found out the following:
1) Miki Imai has a new single, and she will be having concert tours again (which means, maybe she would be releasing more concert albums)
2) Chihiro Onitsuka will release a new album 'Singles 2000 - 2003'. The problem is, she has a single in 2004 after 'Dance Waltz With Me' -- one with a very pretty cover nonetheless -- and I would love to listen to that. The new album will consist of songs that I should already have (after all I have ALL THREE of her albums, plus her BEST-OF)
3) I also want the book based on Argentina by Banana Yoshimoto. Though I have the Chinese version of it at home, I still want the English version.
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I wish I could do art full-time. I wish I could publish an art book of my drawings and people would buy it and I can live off the royalties while doing and exploring new art. The creative life is an interesting and exciting one.
Let me daydream on being a celebrity just for today...
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I want to continue to draw...
I showed my two latest drawings to some colleagues and students, but because they are abstract, everyone asked 'What does it mean?' or 'What is this?'...
I'm quite happy with them actually, but I wouldn't say they are good enough to be exhibited. I need to do more...
