episode 36: My Fragile Life
A few nights back, Ranker called to say he had no money to pay for his rental, and he had nowhere to stay for the night. He asked me if I could let him put up at my place. I said no. He got upset. I did not bother to explain. I'm not sure if he has decided that we are quits. I was really just too tired and bogged down to do or say anything...
***
Back in 1993, early one morning, I was walking along the corridor of the old Victoria School in Geylang Bahru, looking for the place to sit for the entrance exam for the Art Elective Program, when I met B. We became friends...and of course, we formed the VS AEP group. (The 1993-1996 cohort)
***
This afternoon, we visited our art teacher. His son Dylan was very cute. There was of course the usual individual update session...
Y will be going back to NUS to do his Masters in Architecture. It seems that he has quite a bit of savings too (at least ten thousand or so...possibly even up to a hundred thousand or more)
C has already bought a Volkswagen Beetle for $90k. He had made some profit from investments during his NUS days. Everyone is asking him when he would marry his girlfriend; they had been together for four and a half years.
K is a designer in a design firm.
G is working in a design company as well.
B is currently in NIE, and will be getting engaged or married next June.
News update on others who were not present...our juniors are now architects, army officers, there was even an oil trader ....(should easily make his first million by age 35)
***
Sir did not comment much on my drawings, except that my windows are nice, but small, and my drawings of nature are a bit like Van Gogh's...
Everyone else seems to be have a successful story of the Singaporean dream to tell, except me. Everyone has thousands in their bank. I have less than five hundred dollars (and still in debt of about three hundred over dollars). Everyone has a car, or is going to get married, or is getting a car or a flat. I'm not.
I gave Sir the drawings of my windows...the drawings that remind me of so much beauty and pain...of what use are they for me? There is no need for me to keep them anymore...Sir is a true art connoisseur, it is only my honour if he likes my drawings and wants to keep them. At that instant, I would have even given him all my drawings if he had wanted them all...
'You haven't changed,' everyone says so.
'I'm sure there are many eligible girls out there,' Sir said. I smiled at him and asked about baby Dylan, who was asleep by then. 'Do use acid-free paper when you draw,' he advised.
It was a heartfelt gathering. As I stepped out, I feel happy for the successful achievements of my peers and juniors...I even received news that my old crush J is attached again.
I asked myself what I have.
As I walked back, I was even so ready to give away everything, all my drawings, all my books, all my CDs...my everything.
I have my pens. My papers. Nature. A broken discman with the same CDs that I love so dearly.
I had travelled so many roads and come so far to return to the very same spot again...
I have everything. I have nothing.
episode 35: Uncle and His New House (a sketch)
We got into Cousin’s car and Cousin and Dad started talking.
‘He started it again this morning. In fact, he started it yesterday morning the minute I got off my car.’
‘What happened?’ Dad asked.
‘God knows what got into him. He’s a possessed madman of some sort. I was so pissed off I told him that I am back to celebrate Chinese New year, not to get scolded. In fact, I was very tempted to leave.’
I listened to the conversation quietly. It was not my nature to talk to my relatives. Cousin continued to talk about Uncle while his daughter, Han, sat quietly beside him. She fidgeted a little because the sun was glaring through the windscreen and shining into her eyes.
‘That impossible old man – do you know how ridiculous he was? Once, someone’s Indian worker came to deliver something. He shouted at the poor Indian worker for no reason. I believe even the poor man’s boss would not have scolded him so badly. But that’s not the only ridiculous thing he did. He also scolded neighbours who refused to do business with him.’
‘Well, you know your Dad’s temper. When he’s in a bad mood, he scolds anyone without a reason.’ Dad interrupted.
‘Let me tell you what happened the other day.’ Cousin continued. ‘He and I went to a Malay kampong. Now, this is Malaysia, dammit. At least even if you want to be king, you do not do it in a Malay kampong. Guess what? He cursed and swore at a Malay chap in the Malay kampong, as if he were ready to pick a fight anytime. I say again – in a fucking Malay kampong! Those people must have thought him a crazy old man. If he were in his thirties – now you know the Malay gangsters here are far worse than those in Singapore – he would have been hospitalized or lost his life there and then. I told him if he wanted to throw such foolish tempers again, don’t do it in a Malay kampong. And above all, if he’s keen to die, go alone. Don’t bring me along.’ Cousin was apparently exasperated as he recounted Uncle’s utter foolishness.
The conversation topic shifted to the new house.
‘So is he pleased with the new house?’ Dad asked.
‘Oh, of course he’s happy and proud of it. We’ve told him to save the money and not to build it, but he insisted. I guess it is his own wish, though he keeps saying that the old neighbour has been asking him. It’s not as if we borrowed any money from our old neighbour or owe him anything. Why should he bother if our family builds a new house with my dad’s savings? Ultimately, I think it’s the old man himself. It’s his pride… … It’s a joke really, if you think about it. The old man saved every single cent he earned. What’s the big deal about building a three-hundred-thousand-dollar house, if one does not even sit at a roadside stall for coffee with a friend? If anyone had been a miser like him, anyone could have built a three-hundred-thousand-dollar house in Malaysia.’
The car turned into Sungei Renggit.
Johore had not changed the least bit since I last visited the place some eight or nine years ago. The roads were still narrow and sandy, flanked by old houses with weathered walls and rusty zinc roofs. The vehicles looked worn out and more than a decade old. Like eight or nine years ago, children were playing in the porches of the houses. Dogs barked as bicycles and motorcycles went by. Roadside stalls and peddlers were still a common sight when I thought they would have become obsolete.
***
The car turned into the car park of an unfamiliar house.
‘Welcome to our million-dollar mansion.’ Cousin said to me half-sarcastically. I got off the car and Cousin ushered me up a flight of stairs on my right. All this while, I thought we were going to put up at the old house, but I was wrong. We were going to put up at Uncle’s new house. No more creaking wooden steps that made a thumping sound. No more old well with a metal bucket. I suddenly felt a sense of loss and nostalgia.
We soon reached the second floor. The floor of the new house was tiled with marble and there was a balcony at the hall overlooking the road and houses. Forty-five degrees to our right was a true million-dollar mansion fashioned in modern architectural design. There was a rooftop dining area and a huge plasma TV (or LCD TV ) visible even from our side of the road. There was a gym and swimming pool too.
‘My dad often says that the guy across the road shouldn’t have built such an expensive house. That way, our house would seem like the finest and most expensive house along this stretch of the road.’ Cousin said. ‘Anyway, my dad would give you a more comprehensive guided tour of the house. He would put his hand on this railing and say “this is real steel”, and hopefully you’d say a word of praise or two to please him. As if any idiot would mistake it for iron or aluminum…’
I thought it was a good thing that Uncle was not in when we arrived, for I thought he would scold me for not having visited him at his place for eight or nine years.
After Auntie served drinks to Dad and myself, Cousin and I went to sit at the rooftop to chat.
‘Sigh, I could talk about that old man for three months,’ Cousin said. ‘How’s your brother?’
‘My brother? Still in Thailand.’ I answered somewhat absent-mindedly, for I was not keen to start talking about my brother.
‘Why are the two of you so different? Was he like that when he was young?’ Cousin asked.
‘Well, how shall I put it…it’s not just your dad that’s problematic. My dad’s problematic too. And my brother is what he is today largely due to my dad…’
At this point, Dad joined us at the rooftop.
‘Whoa, the house is larger than I thought. When it was still under construction, I didn’t think it would be this large.’ Dad remarked. I thought Uncle would have been pleased if Dad were to speak these very words to him.
Cousin continued to talk about Uncle.
‘You should have seen my dad when he’s looking for something. The whole family would be flustered and busy even if he were to lose something as small as a pen or nail-clipper. Once he misplaced a pen and he started to slam the cupboards and drawers in the house and started scolding everyone in the house, so we all helped him look for it. I even went to get a new one for him, but that old moron insisted that he wanted back the very same pen. That is what a miser he is. I wanted to tell him to stop being an asshole. A millionaire like Li Jiacheng would not even bother to pick up money if he indeed dropped some, for the time he would spend to pick up the money would cost him more than the money he dropped.’
I tried to imagine Uncle upsetting the whole family over a pen that might cost less than thirty cents in Singapore currency, and wondered how such people find joy and meaning in their lives. I wished I could tell Cousin that my dad was not too different from Uncle in this aspect.
‘He’s back,’ Auntie came up and announced Uncle’s return. He probably went out to get the papers.
‘Remember to wish him health and pass him the hundred-dollar ang-pow I told you to prepare,’ Dad reminded me. I was somewhat apprehensive.
***
‘Ah, Ah Ming, I see you’ve come.’ Uncle muttered.
He was old, a sixty-six year old man with thinning grey hair and a tanned lean body from decades of toil and labour. His skin was all wrinkled and dry.
‘Uncle, Happy New Year.’ I passed him the hundred-dollar ang-pow I had prepared, but he took it and just carelessly placed it near the kitchen sink. For a while, I was at a loss of what to do.
Cousin’s wife, Jingyi, was preparing lunch in the kitchen. I wanted to pick up the ang-pow and pass it to Uncle again, but Jingyi gave me a look to tell me to wait.
Uncle finished his drink and started to reprimand Jingyi.
‘In many families, sons and daughter-in-laws bring their fathers out to restaurants to dine or travel to other places, but my own son and daughter-in-law avoid me and treat me as if I were less than a dog in their eyes.’
Jingyi and I started to feel tense. Someone please come to our rescue, I thought to myself quietly.
‘Uncle, this is for you,’ I picked the red packet from the sink area and passed it to him again, hoping that perhaps money would cheer him up a little.
‘Uh…oh,’ he took a glance at it. ‘Never mind, it’s okay, you’re still young and have not started to earn money.’ He said.
‘I’m working,’ I tried to push the red packet to him.
He took it and left it on the dining table while he sat down and started to drink his coffee. At least Jingyi could now prepare the lunch in peace.
‘Sit down,’ Uncle said, as he lit a cigarette. ‘I want to talk to you.’
‘The new house is very big and nice,’ I tried to appease him.
Uncle took a puff and began his story, his eyes looking into the distance.
‘When I was twenty-four, I married your auntie. I worked very hard for this family… You know I have four children. I worked tirelessly every day, collecting junk and odds-and-ends to sell. I brought up my four children. You know the old shed where I dumped my things? Do you still remember our old house further down the road? I built two houses. Now we are here…I built this fine house too. Three houses in all. It’s not easy…’
I nodded silently.
‘I heard from your father that you are always very busy. I understand that teaching is not an easy job, but you must still have time for relatives.’
There was momentary silence. My eyes looked away from his.
‘I also heard from your father that you do not have much savings or money. You must learn to save. Of course I’m not asking you to be a miser or a slave to money. Spend on what is necessary, but save up for the future too. Do you think that I’d be able to build this house if I didn’t save?’ He looked around him with some pride and dignity as he spoke, and I remembered Cousin saying that Uncle only brought bread and plain water out with him when he worked. But of course, Uncle did not know that I had been supporting Brother.
‘Three decades…time flies…’ Uncle took another puff. ‘If this house had been built in Singapore it would have been worth millions.’ He wouldn’t be able to afford a house like this in Singapore, I thought. That amount of money would probably amount to a tiny condominium in Singapore at most.
‘I might not be very educated, but there are many people who respect me,’ he said. I thought he just complained that his own son and daughter-in-law treated him like a dog. ‘That old neighbour of mine – he did not even invite me to his son’s wedding. Why, does he think he can match me in terms of wealth, or in terms of capabilities and intelligence? I am part of the committee of a Chinese school here. I know about politics and education very well…’
I had to agree that Uncle is better versed in politics than I am. He reminded me of those uncles sitting in kopi-tiams complaining about the PAP policies and cursing Old Lee. I would very much prefer to live in my own little world of books and pictures and be ignorant of these things, though many might call me apathetic.
‘Respect,’ Uncle continued with great deliberateness. ‘You are a Chinese, you are educated, and you are already a teacher. How can you not find time to visit an uncle? No matter what, I’m still your father’s elder brother. How can you teach your students if you cannot even live by such a simple principle? … … Respect… I am not a dog. Neither am I invisible or dead. I may be uneducated, but I brought up four children and built this house. It is not easy. I wonder why so many people are avoiding me as if I were a dog…’
‘Well, if you stop barking around at everyone as if you were one, you would have a lot more people around you,’ I thought to myself, but I said nothing.
***
‘Lunch is ready…’ Jingyi announced as she laid out the dishes on the table. Cousin Sen (whom I have addressed simply as Cousin up to this point) came into the kitchen with little Han-girl.
‘Grandpa, eat,’ little Han called and Uncle looked at her and smiled. Little Han was very adorable and pretty. She was merely two years old, and I would dare say that of all the children I had known, she was the only child cuter than my brother’s daughter Serene. She would be our saviour angel to keep the family peaceful for the next few days, I thought.
‘Whoa, you are so pretty,’ Dad said to little Han. Then he turned to Jingyi and said, ‘You are becoming the mother of a celebrity!’
‘Ming, you are only eating the vegetables,’ Jingyi noticed.
‘Oh, I heard from your father that you are not eating fish or meat or chicken, or even eggs. What are we going to cook for you?’ Auntie asked.
‘Huh? You do not eat so many things? Is it true?’ Uncle looked at me. ‘You cannot not eat so many things. In fact, you must eat a little of everything so that you have a balanced diet.’
The atmosphere got a little tense, and I decided I should just stop my vegetarian diet for two or three days to avoid a confrontation or conflict of any sort.
‘Just ignore him and make him eat,’ Dad said.
I said nothing and took some fish quietly. I decided that the next best thing to do was to finish my meal and leave the table quickly, but that would be very rude.
‘Aiyah, even though I’m a Buddhist, I do not observe such a strict diet as you do,’ Auntie sort of lamented.
It was useless to explain anything to these people. Nevertheless, unlike Uncle, Auntie was someone whom I greatly respected.
‘Try these too,’ Jingyi passed me some scallops. ‘This is my best dish.’
‘Yeah yeah,’ Cousin Sen sneered. ‘Four years ago it was this dish. Four years later it’s still the same dish. But I have to admit you’ve not lost the touch.’ Cousin then turned and smiled at his wife.
At that moment, I suddenly thought about how difficult life was for the women who were married into our family. So Jingyi had been preparing New Year dishes for many years now. She would probably help Auntie wash the dishes later too. I was extremely thankful that I was neither married nor attached. And Auntie… how difficult it must had been on her, to live with my uncle all these years and to help bring up the four children. Jingyi was more fortunate because Cousin Sen was at least a decent and reasonable man. I suddenly felt very sorry for the women, and I hated my very own family and surname.
‘The fish doesn’t taste good,’ Uncle’s face twisted into a scowl and laid down his chopsticks. ‘The sea cucumber isn’t very fresh too.’
‘Ma, you shouldn’t buy things for the sake of buying,’ said Cousin Sen. ‘I know things are hard to find and they are costly around this time, but if you know that the things are not fresh, do not buy them for the sake of buying them. We can settle for a simple meal.’ Cousin Sen spoke truth in a cool rational manner, paying no regard to what Uncle said earlier.
I understood Auntie’s position very well. After all, Chinese New Year is nothing more than going through the motion for unhappy families. You buy New Year goodies because everyone else does the same, not because you like or enjoy them. You put up New Year decorations even though your family has three quarrels or more on the same day. You give and collect ang pows because the Chinese had been doing so for thousands of years. Everything has nothing to do with joy or meaning.
My heart bled and ached a lot over that simple lunch. I felt very sorry for Auntie.
***
It was a hot sultry afternoon after lunch. I stayed quietly in my room, reading Natsume Soseki’s ‘Grass On The Wayside’. All the bedrooms in the house had air-conditioners, but being a person who was used to the tropical heat and climate I only switched on the ceiling fan. The bedroom window overlooked a dense patchwork of rusty zinc rooftops, and one could see trees and the sea in the distance. As I read, I thought that Soseki’s ‘Grass On The Wayside’ could be interpreted as a study of an unimportant or insignificant life.
‘Uncle…’ Little Han stumbled into my room and looked at me with her big eyes. What a pretty and innocent child!
‘Where’s Daddy and Mummy?’ I asked her in a gentle voice.
‘Mummy’s in the kitchen…Daddy is outside…’ the clever girl replied innocently. ‘Let me read…’ she started to be curious about the novel I was holding in my hands.
‘You won’t understand this, foolish girl.’ I put the novel aside and took out a pen and an exercise book. ‘Come, Uncle will teach you how to draw.’ I turned to a blank page and drew a star for her. ‘Look, this is a star.’
Little Han then took the exercise book and pen from me, but she could not draw. In fact, all she could do was make faint marks in the form of short lines or dots on the page. She could not even draw a one-centimetre line. I was reminded of the days when my niece was staying with me, when I also taught her how to draw. Serene was already four when she stayed with us. Little Han was only two years old, so she could not hold the pen very well. I stroke her hair gently as I watched her attempt to make marks on the page.
‘Don’t play with my hair…’ little Han whined as she fiddled with the pen.
‘Okay, okay, Uncle will stop playing with your hair.’ Foolish girl! I stroke your hair because I was showing you affection!
***
I slept for two hours after little Han left the room. There was nothing else to do. The font size of the novel was a bit small. Cousin Sen had some VCDs of horror movies, but I thought it was inappropriate to watch them on Chinese New Year. I could not draw when my mind was not at ease. The only thing left to do was to sleep.
When I woke up, Dad had just taken his shower. It was around five plus in the evening. ‘Go and have your shower. Dinner is almost ready.’
